Zombie Sluts – May 5^th Game

A guy walks into a bar, Zombie Hut in fact.  He sits down at the bar and says in a hushed voice," Bartender, I'd like.. um.  a cocktail."  The bartender says, “What kind of cocktail?  We've got plenty – potent tea, rum punch. Roblums…"  The guy answers, "No.  A special cocktail."  The bartender says in a loud voice, "Oh!  A steroid cocktail!  Why didn't you say so?"  The guy looks a little embarrassed, so the bartender says, “Don't worry about it.  From now on, you can just say you're here for softball tryouts.  We'll know what you mean."

Zombie Hut has been rebuilt with a much more intimidating team.  It was more like Zombie the Hutt that took the field last Friday.   Their guys were BIG.  They made me nostalgic for my own 250 lb. championship weightlifting days.  (I've trimmed down a lot since then).  If that wasn't enough to stack the deck, they genetically engineered a female zombie with legs longer than mine and had her wear a skirt made from a dish towel.  More than 1 Bus Stop said that they wanted to defect so they could play with her.  Fortunately, I had my beautiful Tracey there, so I was immune to her charms. (I know, I know.  I almost walked her.  I am human.)  The Sluts even asked the cops to hang out behind our dugout so we couldn't enjoy our beers in peace.  Crafty bastards.

The B61 Lineup, sponsored by Perch

Catcher: “Coppertop Amy” and the one and only “Pussy Gourmet”

Pitcher: “Page 6” Jonathan

1^st Base: “Home Run Henry”

2^nd Base: “That girl can hit!” Betsy

Shortstop: “Say Hey” Chris is “Willie”

3^rd Base: “Canadian Clubber” Jamie

Left Field: Steve “Eeyore the Evangelist”

Center Field: Ca-pone and “Big” Al Reinert

Right Center Field: Roberto and Whippit

Right Field: “Tam Tam” Tamara

DH: Apeman

DL: Alyce, Johanna

Our Fans: “NeNe” Renee, my beautiful Tracey, Anthony, Willie’s girlfriend, Marta

The Game

In any case, the game was on.  B61 was high off of its second win by slaughter and the Evangelist soon put us in our place.  I guess he found religion and pessimism at 40.  Perhaps he was just sad that this was his last game as coach.  "Well, the Dirt Dawgs didn't have the most skill, but they had heart.  We should remember to be like them.  Don't throw the ball away and cheer each other on."  As we lose.  Isn't that what Eeyore the Evangelist was trying to say?

Perhaps Steve was just being honest.  Two bobbles at shortstop (where’s Matt when you need him??)  and my forgetting to go for the double play left the Sluts with runners on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out.  Then again, maybe not.  A B61 bus suddenly appeared at the bus stop in front of us.  If that’s not a special sign from above, what is?  Surely, we were not meant to lay down so easily.  Two grounders to 3rd for the Jamie-Henry combo had us walking off the field with just 1 run against us.

Rhino's lead off double left him in perfect position to wheel around the bases as Ca-pone banged a base hit to tie the game.  Oh Henry in the 3 spot clocked the ball to right center.  Home run!  Strong hits by Jamie and Betsy ("That girl can hit!"), a walk for Roberto and a grounder I beat out to 1st left us with a close 4-1 lead.  A bad call by the ump saying that Roberto was tagged running from 2^nd to 3^rd and a quick throw to 1^st ended our streak.

The Zombie Huts started the 2nd inning with two bloopers which we just couldn’t get.  The inning continued with a staredown with one of the biggest guys at the plate.  I threw 2 inside strikes which I thought he would gobble up but let go by and I followed up with a high floater.  Strike 3 looking!  The guy couldn't believe it, but then again, neither could I!  This is slow pitch softball, you know.  A dribble hit to 1^st scored 2 runs to make the score 4-3.  The leggy zombie came to bat, and I threw her 3 balls.  It happens sometimes.  Fortunately, she hit the 4^th ball right to me and in a crazy play I don’t completely understand, we got a double play because the 1^st base runner tried to run to 2^nd instead of running back after the catch.  We’ll take it.

Amy started our side with her hardest hit ever, deep into left field!  Whippit followed with a base hit of his own, and Rhino ripped a line drive to center field to load the bases.  With cheers of, “C’mon, Ca-pone.  Take it out on the ball.  That ball is sassing you!” Capone took the sass out to left field for a triple and 3 RBIs.  Henry’s base hit brought in Capone and showed yet again how strong the arms of the outfielders were as the center fielder rocketed the ball back to 1^st base.  Did I mention that those guys were BIG?  Willie Mays drove Henry in, and we left the second inning feeling good with a 9-3 lead.

We could have sat out and watched as Willie and Betsy shut the Sluts in the 3^rd.  Willie snagged a hopper and tagged 2^nd for the first out.  Betsy caught a line drive that would have gone far into right center, and then, Willie did a nice grab and toss to BGs for the 3^rd out.  They made it look so easy.

The Sluts started trying everything to turn a trick.  At one point, the 1st baseman pretended that the inning was over to see if he could coax me off 2nd base.  They also complained to the ump that I was pitching from too close to the plate.  Blue even told me just to humor them.  Yet, another Henry home run to the opposite field and a lazy looper line drive by Jamie, and we were up 11-5 at the bottom of the 6^th inning.

The bottom of the 6^th started with a Reinert 1-2 punch, starting with an opposite field base hit by Steve and a line drive by his baby brother.  Oh Henry just smacked his ball even farther than last time, this time with a ball to the dirt in center field!  Alex Reinert was so happy that he took off all of his clothes and ran naked around the field.  Yes, yet again.  Is this what respectable lawyers do for fun?  14-5.  At this point, the Sluts laid on their back like $2 whores with 3 quick outs, and the game was ours!

Being the good sports that they were, Zombie Hut came back to the bar and drank with us.  Unfortunately, it was Cinco de Mayo, so the bar was packed.  So packed that we had to break with tradition and go to Lido for our team shot.  Jamie did counter by invoking another long standing tradition, “Uh, Jon?  Do you have any money to pay for these shots?”  Just like old times.

Memorable Moments

·         Willie's girlfriend getting two tickets for not having a NY registration or vaccination tag for her dog

·         My tripping and bobbling the ball before throwing it to Henry for the last out.  No, it was not because Leggy hit it

·         Henry being a Hoover vacuum and catching all of the crazy throws at 1^st

·         Henry throwing the ball to Amy to try to make the play at home.  She’ll be ready for it next time!

·         Somehow, everyone speaking with an Irish accent in the 6^th inning.  Creighton does that to us

·         Willie making some great runs to catch shallow pop flies as well as having that Willie/BGs tag team inning

·         After I beat out a grounder to 1^st, Jamie asked me, “Where did you get those wheels?”  “I don’t know, but I’m glad I have them.”

·         Amy’s base hit to left field.  I’ve never seen her hit so hard before!

·         Steve’s determination to give the pep talk for the next game.  “I’ll be more inspiring.”  Did it work?

Player of the Game

Do you have to ask?  3 home runs, 8 RBIs, catching all of the crazy stuff we threw to him at 1st.  Home Run Henry.  He’s our man.

You can read the writeups at www.redhooksoftball.com/b61/ or through the B61 softball blog at www.blogger.com.